loss

This past week while attending a session with our counsellor (she is helping us function as a couple again) we started to talk about the topic of loss.

Strangely that is exactly what I had been thinking about as I walked along the beach that morning. For some reason my thoughts turned to all that had been lost in our lives. And as my brain does it began to make a list.

The loss of health, well-being, employment, income, confidence, self esteem, trust in the system, dreams, friends, opportunities, time, certainty, goals, a way forward, colleagues, ambitions, security, calm, purpose and so my list kept getting longer.

I mentioned to our counsellor that I'm ready to start adding bits back into our lives as constant loss is incredibly unsettling.

There is no quick solution. I practise gratitude every day but there are some days were I feel really ripped off. I think in the world of psychologists this is called 'lack of acceptance'.

We are focusing on adding bits back into our lives, what this will look like is yet to determined but I'm sick of watching so many parts of our lives just dissolve into thin air never to return.

Do you feel like you've experience your share of loss?

sadness

I think most of us who live around loved ones suffering from PTSD and depression feel a level of sadness at times. I know I do and have.

There is the big ugly all consuming sadness that life as we knew it will never return.

Hopes, dreams and expectations have had to be reshaped. Some for the better, some I'm not so sure about.

There is a lingering sadness when I see the man I love struggling with such simple life skills.

There is the unexpected sadness that catches me out at times when I'm least expecting it to.

There is the angry and frustrating sadness that just as we seem to be making progress something trips us up.

There is the daily sadness of of being around someone who largely can only see the negative aspects of their life.

And there are days when for no glaringly obvious reason I just feel sad.

I don't feel depressed but I do feel sad at times.

How about you, do you feel sad and if so what do you do in times of sadness?

just one wish

I like to dream. For me I think it's essential to let my mind drift off to a place which is carefree and calm.

Sometimes when I've done this I have wondered if there was just one wish available to me, what is it that I would change about our current situation?

These wishes have changed over time. Depends largely on what is going on in our world at the time.

At the moment my wish would be to have a '5 second delay' button. A big shiny button that we could both push before words are exchanged, actions taken, feelings hurt and we start to slide backwards.

We are currently working on a way to implement our own '5 second delay' button. Our success has been mixed but we are giving it a go.

Changing old habits is hard. But trying something different is certainly worth it. For us at the moment it requires discipline, trust, honesty, letting go of fear, reflection and courage.

We are trying to use different words when talking with one another, raising our hand when the mood is tense and asking one another what we can do differently.

Until I meet my fairy godmother or find some magic fairy dust to sprinkle over us it will be up to us to find our '5 second delay' button.

Do you have one wish? Have you tried to change old habits and how have you had success?

It's daffodil time in my garden, what a happy flower full of sunshine they are!

socially speaking

Being out in the big wide world can be a scary thing at times.

Imagine being out in the world where a car back firing can cause heart wrenching fear, driving in the car produces anxiety way beyond all reasonableness, crowds of people equal danger, unplanned and unknown situations are to be avoided and the simple pleasures of just being social can turn to disaster very quickly.

Exhausting to say the least. 


As a partner I'm now hyper vigilant when it comes to social situations or if we are out in public. I look for potential situations that I know my Mr won't handle and try to intervene or remove us from them.

We are not an easy couple to be around at times. We need understanding and patience and family and friends can understandably tire of this. Being around someone who is constantly depressed is not easy.

Anti-social probably best describes us now. 

A night a home with our pups and our own company seems to work best for now.

How do you handle social situations? Do you find you avoid going out these days?

being vulnerable

I've only just come across this through another blog that I read regularly.

I have since watched it a number of times. For me it seems to explain much of what we go through in supporting someone with PTSD and also what those with PTSD endure. Shame.

I for one have never felt so vulnerable in the last 5 or so years.

In sharing my story of living with PTSD there was definitely a level of uncomfortable vulnerability about it and to be honest a level of shame. But I did it.

I wonder if you have seen this before and whether you can relate to it?